someone get that fucking seahorse.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
