census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.