Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
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We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
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I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.