Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
