I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
