At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
