i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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