"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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