im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
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There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
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Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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