Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
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so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
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I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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