Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
