New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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