When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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