I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours