It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.