he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
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Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
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My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.