Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Randomize
