no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh