woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
