i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
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Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
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This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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