Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
