new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
