hotel room ftw
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
