If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he quoted the bible to break up with me
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.