Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
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Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
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Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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