Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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