I just made out with a guy for $7.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Do vagina's smell?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
