If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
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