I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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