I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
