I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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