why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
This can only be settled by a dance off.