So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.