i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
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Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
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He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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