I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
