I'm really into asian looking animals
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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