i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
