I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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