the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
