its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
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I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
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I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...