I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form