Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
