u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
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He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
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Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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