dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
