I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
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Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
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cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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