Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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