i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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