The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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