Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
