i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I stole a fireplace last night.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!