i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender