i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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