i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
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I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
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woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??