Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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