I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
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i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
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I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"