I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
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I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
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Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime