I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The 33 Worst Things Men Have Said While Hitting On Women
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra