dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?