and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
